The week’s column is dedicated to the ladies. Your crowned Prince of Pessimism returns this week to inform one and all about the true nature and intent behind people’s seemingly random compliments. They can come your way while you’re getting to work or in the middle of class – basically any time a man can perv on a woman is the same time someone can drop one of these deceitful bombs on you.
Beware. It would be best to take these supposed compliments at face value.
Sometimes it’s sugar coated with the greatest intentions. It doesn’t even have to be a compliment or, on rare occasions, it doesn’t even involve you in particular. The hazards of these infectious little lies are still very real and can damage the psyche therein.
Something like “Your skin looks great,” for example, really means, “Look everybody, zit-face finally took a shower.” Or there’s this classic gem: “You look tired.” This voice of concern really means to say, “Wow, you look like something I flushed down the toilet this morning.”
This isn’t to dissuade you from accepting or even using these or similar compliments; on the contrary, the presentation put forth is merely a tool of reference for you to use the next time someone gives out false hopes shrouded within nice words.
If someone says you resemble a celebrity – depending on the attractive appeal of the individual – did you know that, according to UnphilteredPercentagesNeverLie.com, 75 percent of them just want to get into your good graces for their own selfish desires?
Oh, it’s true. It’s true.
Heed these warnings for they were written for more than your comical pleasure. They’ll save your life one day when you’re out perusing the dive bar scene downtown and some unwanted attention-leech tries to goad you with aesthetically pleasing sentences.
Never trust a straight man’s judgment, they’re almost never thinking with the head that you can see.
“Did you lose weight?” There’s a dangerous one that means, “Did you finally drop to three meals a day like the rest of us, fatty?” Another fan-favorite idiom in many a person’s repertoire is the simply complex statement, “I don’t care.”
I’m sorry, but if someone is begrudgingly complaining about a topic that is either prefaced or end-capped with that statement is perhaps the biggest lie they’ve told all day.
Nobody complains about things they really have no desire or care for. Nobody.
Keep these and the info graphic translations in mind when you hear them and you’re a step ahead in knowing what they truly mean, and knowing is half the battle.
G.I. JOOOOE!
